After years of dreaming about what it would be like to live and work cocooned within passion for “the job,” I finally took a chance.
On a camping trip, as the sun was setting--my favorite time of day--I looked out to the ocean and saw dolphins joyfully playing and peacefully living in the moment. They didn’t seem to be concerned about having to go to work in a cubicle the next day. In that moment, I knew I needed to make my own splash--to dive in to my own passion. I quit the very next day, left my “cube,” and began writing. At first, it was more like journal writing, putting in small bits about myself, but when an editor critiqued it, she said, “As a reader, we want to know more about the main character.” I had never thought of myself as a main character in a book before but without hesitation, I knew she had been the voice of an angel because I had known all along, but was too afraid, that my writing needed to be inspirational, healing, and cathartic for both myself and readers.
I began to chop it up on my PC, but as my fingers clicked away, I watched myself typing, inserting here, deleting there. I felt the presence of angels around me and when I would wonder if all my changes would lose the continuity of the story, I quietly heard, “Trust. Write your story.” When I finished, I read through the entire manuscript and it moved even me. I had never put down the sadness of my journey in one document. I had never faced my true demons and sorrows. With the reality that most of my journey was written with the backdrop of the Middle East, I realized that I was mirroring my oppression with the women of Arabia, as well as comparing my life to that of a desolate and hostile desert--until I found my oasis. I had been searching for self-worth, acceptance, and an understanding of a God who I was raised to fear by constantly being told I was an abomination to God and would rot in eternal hell. In writing, I found what I thought was lost… my soul.
Just as my book was ready for the print shop, I had to have a second open-heart surgery to again replace a leaky valve. It was as if my body was letting me know that I was soon going to have yet another “new” heart to begin the next stage of my life. Plus, I was just about to turn 50!! What a time to change careers and take such a risk--but I felt driven.
I self-published my book, Circles in the Sand, and began to be my own marketer [“they” don’t tell you that writing is the easy part]. I did a few book readings and suddenly, I had a much deeper spiritual understanding of why I felt so moved to write. Women would come up to me after a reading and literally weep, saying “Thank you for being a leader and being brave to write your truth. Your story is ours and your voice is the voice for women who are still unable to have their own.” The humbleness and gratitude to touch lives have fuelled my passion. The emotional connections taking place replaced my fear of exposing myself--a sense of standing naked in front of the world. I was not only comforted and honoured to understand that mine was a story that resonated with many women, but in seeing such visceral responses, I realized just how far I had come in healing and forgiving. I was left speechless, almost telepathically speaking with my angels, thanking them for being with me every step of the way.
Being self-published has meant that my book is slowly, slowly reaching people. I find myself constantly having to go to a place of meditation and surrender my fears and get back to a place of belief. The following words keep repeating in my heart-space and in fact, they are what made me literally jump off the couch from a moment of feeling myself going back to my old patterns of fear—If I can touch one soul, I can touch one million… and then I opened up your e-zine asking for stories on being an amazing dreamer.
I AM are the strongest words to define who we choose to be. Rather than “I am afraid” or “I am not successful” or “I am never going to get this book to a global platform,” I have chosen to keep believing and keep changing those old recorded messages… I AM an Amazing Dreamer!
